Pregnancy Vs. Shaving

Caution:

1) This is a really, really long post.

2) The title might be a bit misleading to those dirty minds that think this post carries some material that may titillate them.

3) Already mentioned in one of my earlier rambles that my posts do not have much of a ‘female fan following’. So was thinking of remedying that with this post. The logic I have used to generate the female fan following is a copy from Tamil cinema – If you need a successful film, you need the buy-in of women and children; and if you cannot attract them, then provoke them.

Many a times, when having arguments with wifey, I have thought if that argument topic is something every other man faces or if I am unique. One such sequence of arguments happened when wifey was pregnant. At the close of every sentence she would say, ‘You can only understand if you carry this load’. Now, I had no qualms in doing that, except that God did not give me the paraphernalia required to execute the task. Also, those of you who know me personally can vouch for the fact that I have been carrying a similar burden since my baby days without any complaints whatsoever.

Now, this argument of women that they are alone in carrying a load, going through the pains of delivery and post-partum issues is an age old one. Although no woman would want to relinquish this ‘suffering’, they use it as a tool of emotional blackmail to get things done from their men. I had even heard my grandmom use this argument with my granddad – so it really must have been handed down from generation to generation (something akin to the use of Neem, Ginger and Turmeric in household remedies)!!!

I tried to find a suitable rebuttal to this argument and searched the internet to see if any of the great philosophers and thinkers had thought of a solution. But no, from Aristotle to Bernard Shaw to Cho Ramaswamy, no one had written anything about this. So my quest started - to find an answer on my own!!! I wanted to be the ‘messiah who delivered the men from a persecution they have endured for ages’. I had to rake my limited brain capacity to the fullest and it screamed the way a 486 PC would, if you run ‘Need for Speed II’ on it!

Finally, got a ray of light in my dreams! I had tended to my granddad in his last days. He was bedridden for close to 6 months before nature took him in. During those troubled times, my biggest challenge was to give him a decent shave. This set me on a path of discovery – a man with an average life span of 75 years, who starts shaving at the age of 16 and clears his stubble twice a week, shaves close to 6136 times!!! This number is conservative, since this does not take into account special occasions like interviews, client meetings, marriage(s), honeymoon(s) etc. Taking those into account, the number must be closer to 6500. Wow! Now, shaving 6500 times is a laborious task, but the real pain is in the aftershave! You endure that sensation of your face being on fire, 6500 times in your life. That is what I call ‘on a slow grill to a medium-rare perfection’. 

I am also aware that this is a generalization and there are a few ‘kai-pillais’ amongst men folk who only need to shave once in 6 months. For most part, they draw a mustache with eyebrow pencil or better still give a clean shaven look without any of the labors involved. Just imagine how much money they save on shaving creams/gels, razors, aftershaves etc. But again, there are women who also never undergo pregnancy for various reasons. So it kind of evens out, doesn’t it? 

I can already hear the women who heatedly question, what about men who grow a beard? Well, trimming and grooming a beard is more cumbersome and technically challenging than a clean shave!

So if women undergo pregnancy once or twice in life, they carry a load for 9-18 months, with one or two instances of painful episodes called ‘Delivery’ or partum. But so much research has gone into this field, that there are medications now available that ease the pain a lot. I remembered a pharma company’s poster from my field sales days, for a drug called Pitocin. It is an oxytocin injection that stimulates the uterus to contract faster and induces the labor cramps. The poster used to say ‘Pitocin Pleasures’!!! Moreover, most deliveries today are C-sections and happen under a GA or epidural. But for men, there is no GA or epidural during a shave or more importantly when they splash on the aftershave. 

So there you go women folk!, God has given men their own set of problems and given an equal, if not bigger, share in pain. Worse, men cannot stop till their last breath! 

Okay, now I know there will be a lot of appreciation from the men folk and those are accepted only in the form of cash or M.O. (don’t want to increase my tax burden by accepting cheques or DDs). I also know that there will be a lot of brickbats from the women folk and those are accepted only in the form of words. Though the writer resembles a ‘punching bag’, you may not use him for your taek-won-do or jujitsu practice!

P.S.: Tried this technique once with wifey, and the kind of look and expletives I had to listen from her after using this argument, made me stop after that single try. So this is a single use method only, that too at your own risk!